Mrs Bennet's Wedding Night Talk
by LaCorelli
Summary: The night before their wedding, Elizabeth and Jane get a bit more information than they wanted from their mother. Written for the "Ludicrously Bad Sex" challenge on another site. One-Shot.


**Author's Notes:** After reading a discussion on another site about Mrs. Bennet and whether she was a prude or not (or rather the tendency in fanfiction for her to give the equivalent of "lie still and think of England" wedding night talks), I got a sudden flash of a rather non prudish (though really not as explicit as it could be) talk given by Mrs. Bennet to Jane and Elizabeth the night before their wedding.

In the end, I actually ended up writing this story in about hour, maybe less, last Sunday night, and I'm sure the speed of it probably shows, and this is the first time in a very long time that I haven't used my husband as beta, as he's away on a training assignment, so it lacks some of the polish he usually manages to add in the end. However, I hope this short tale does at least amuse. It was actually originally written for A Happy Assembly's Ludicrously Bad Sex Playground theme.

 **Mrs. Bennet's Wedding Night Talk**

It was the night before Elizabeth's and Jane's weddings to the gentlemen they loved and much as Elizabeth, at least had tried to avoid it, they were now about to be subjected to their mother's advice on their marital duties. Having overheard snippets of conversation between her mother and Aunt Philips over the years, Elizabeth had a very good notion that she would hate the entire thing and wished nothing more than to be elsewhere, though as her mother started to speak, she suddenly had a flash that it perhaps would have been better to have had this conversation well in advance of the wedding so that she would have time to properly put it behind her _before_ she said her vows. However, it was rather late to reconsider the point, so Elizabeth made a point of focusing on looking just past her mother to the dressing table and mentally cataloging every item she saw as she tried to _not_ pay attention to her mother's talk.

"...Now, I know you girls know the basics of what will happen, though Lord knows no description can do it justice, and men always want metaphors like yards and swords, when inches or dirks are the more accurate description, and knowing what is supposed to happen does not guarantee it happens to best advantage, no matter what men think about their prowess, and they all think they are the god of love when they are more like the god of sleep, and that's what I want to talk to you girls about.

"My mother told me nothing useful, and if not for what my dearest friend could tell me about her time with her new husband and some of the things I learned from... well, that is neither here nor there, and would do you no good anyway... Neither of you really take too much after me, though wilful as you are, Lizzy, I wouldn't be surprised if you might have, but no, you really never knew how to properly keep a man's attention once he noticed you. How you managed to attract Mr. Darcy... well, I can't understand him either... but then...

"Oh, well, to get to the point, you are about to be married and become married women, and leave your girlhoods behind, and well, there is no two ways about it; it is liable to be an awkward transition no matter how you slice it. I mean unless your gentlemen are practiced rakes or were educated by randy widows, they've probably only been with... members of the fallen sisterhood, and how is a man to learn to please a woman when he has only been with one who is paid to please _him_? After all it takes almost no effort to please a man— just a good strong wrist and a warm spot to bury themselves really— but a woman needs a lot more to be properly pleased, and that is what I want to be sure you girls know. You are most likely going to have to learn how to take care of yourselves in order to teach your husbands their business. But with men's pride being all tied up in... well, some even call it their pride... you are going to have to be subtle. Lord knows I did..."

Elizabeth, who had managed to tune out about half the conversation, had to choke back a laugh at the thought of her mother being subtle at anything.

"Oh, you can laugh, Miss Lizzy, but take my word, your Mr. Darcy's a dark horse all _full_ of pride, and he is most likely going to be too sensitive and probably too selfish, so you are most likely going to have a time getting him to do what you need him to do. Now, Jane, your Bingley is an amiable soul, and I am sure he is going to be eager to please, though I rather expect he is likely to be the type to go off too quickly— don't look at me like that, girls— and you are going to have to be sensitive to that. Lord knows the number of times I had to soothe your father, well not for being too speedy, at least not after the two of you were born, but he always was a bit slow in the... well, never mind, girls...

"Now about your wedding nights, girls. Both your husbands are going to want to acquit themselves well, but most likely have no idea how to please a woman who has never been with a man before, and maybe no idea past the fact that it is liable to hurt her, if that. And I wish I could tell you it is not going to; at best, it probably will be uncomfortable. I can't say for certain, but I know it wasn't that bad for me, but then I'd learned a thing or two... but again that's a bit late for you girls. So... now pay attention, Lizzy..."

Lizzy, who'd let her eyes drift a little too far past her mother, brought them back to her mother's shoulder.

"Now, as I was saying... I don't know what you two have been doing with your betrotheds when you have been out and about, but I hope there has been some kissing going on... and more than closed mouthed little pecks. I mean, what good is actually being engaged if you go around acting like you are not engaged and after all the articles have been signed... But never mind that... Now while I don't know what your men will be like, the best thing you can do is make sure there is as much kissing as possible, and I don't mean merely your lips. Encourage your husbands to be as thorough as they can, and everywhere they can... until you are feeling as eager as they are. But now if you are feeling too modest, though how any girl of mine could feel that way I cannot understand, make sure you have a glass of wine or two beforehand. It does wonders for getting rid of the inhibitions, as I should well know."

Lizzy repressed a shudder, since she also knew well what her mother could be like when she imbibed a little too heavily.

But Mrs. Bennet went on without noticing. "Now I know you have been taught to be proper as can be, but that is to make sure you preserve your virtue for your husbands. Well, once they are your husbands there is no virtue to preserve, and unless you are marrying an awful prude (and I hope you are not, Lizzy, or you are in for a miserable time), there is no being proper in the marriage bed. A woman has to have her pleasure if she is going to conceive and so make sure you find it... I know I always did, though I have always been the one to have to do all the work with your father. However, once I learned the quickest way to get both of us satisfied, it was no longer such a chore, but that is something you probably will not have to worry about until after the first child is born. Now, girls, do you have any questions?"

Elizabeth finally glanced at her sister and hoped that she did not look as horrified as Jane did.

"No, mother, I think we both understand enough," Elizabeth said. _I think I understand too much_.

"Well, you probably do not, but the fact is all the talking in the world is not going to make things easier, and you just have to experience it for yourselves. By this time tomorrow you should know well enough," their mother said, giving each of the girls a kiss before turning to leave the room. "Mrs. Bingley and Mrs. Darcy. How well that sounds. Now go to bed, girls, you need your rests for tomorrow." She left the room.

"How are we supposed to sleep now?" Elizabeth asked.

"I am not sure," Jane said. "I am not even sure half of what she meant."

"I am afraid I am sure of more than what she meant," Elizabeth said, wishing she could forget every bit that referred to her parents' marriage bed. "But I believe we will be well. Our husbands to be love us, and I believe they will take care of us the best they are able." _And I do not think that I will have any difficulty convincing Fitzwilliam on the benefits of much kissing. It has been hard enough for us to stop that as it is._

~o~O~o~

The newly married Darcys were in their carriage on the way to London after a wedding breakfast that seemed to last too long for their comfort. Darcy was well pleased to finally be alone with his bride though he was nervous as well, especially as Elizabeth had seemed more than a bit abstracted at times during the celebration and even now she looked anywhere but him though she held his hand tightly in her own. Their conversation for the first part of their journey was desultory and a bit constrained, filled with long silences, that alternated between being tense and comfortable.

"Are you well, my love?" he finally asked.

"Of course," Elizabeth said as she turned to face him. "Well, perhaps a bit nervous."

"Is that all?" he asked. "Nothing else troubles you."

"No..." Elizabeth paused and sighed. "Last night, Jane and I had a talk from our mother... and I would rather forget about it..."

If his mother in law had frightened his bride, Darcy would never forgive the woman. "What disturbed you?"

"Everything... no, not really everything, but I believe I learned more than I wished about my parents' marriage," Elizabeth said. "She did her best, I think, to try to give us comfort, and to tell us that our marital... duties can be... pleasurable rather than painful, but..."

"I hope she did not frighten you of me," Darcy said. "I am no brute, you know."

"I know, but I suppose it is natural to be nervous. It is all so new."

"It is new for me as well," Darcy said quietly. "And I am nervous as I have nothing but what I have heard and read to draw upon."

Having been of too fastidious a nature to indulge in the popular vices of his sex, especially with having an abhorrence of paid companionship of any kind, as well as the notion of willing widows or unfaithful wives, he had instead for his education turned to a well stocked private collection of books kept locked in the master's study which had ranged from the informative to the improbable, but still felt he had managed to discover enough truth so as to not come off too badly. After all it was rather an instinctual activity; if every savage could... dance, a gentleman much in love with his wife should certainly be able to manage to consummate his marriage without too much difficulty.

As well, while there was no man he felt close enough to discuss such things with as he was an intensely private man when it came to matters of the heart and body, he had reluctantly overheard more than enough conversations between men, as well as having been subjected to a rather bawdy discussion with his uncle and cousins one night before he returned to Hertfordshire in preparation for the wedding. Trapped by family bonds but determined not to be drawn into speaking of what he considered to be strictly between Elizabeth and himself, he had done no more than listen and soundly refuse his cousin John's offer to take him to a house of ill repute for "a last or first fling." He and his cousin Henry had managed to disentangle themselves from the group once they were all sufficiently in their cups as to not notice their absence. Henry's only advice was to ignore his family and take his time with his bride.

Elizabeth's voice interrupted his musings. "Well, take comfort in the fact that my mother believes that a man's experience is as unlikely to teach him to please a maiden bride as ignorance is."

Darcy was taken aback as he had found himself thinking the same thing during that excruciating evening. After hearing exaggerated tales of past exploits in bawdy houses or with famous courtesans, he could not but believe that the more they boasted the more likely it was that the "ladies" in question should probably be praised for their acting skills than their lovers' prowess, as every tale sounded more self-indulgent rather than any kind of mutually pleasurable endeavor. It felt odd to share such an opinion with Mrs. Bennet. Perhaps she was wiser in some ways than he thought.

"Was there anything else that she said that you found useful?" he asked, looking down at her hand in his own.

Elizabeth leaned a little closer to her husband. "Only that she encouraged a great deal of kissing on the wedding night, the better to make it more enjoyable for me."

"I quite enjoy kissing you," Darcy said, leaning closer himself. "And I certainly intend to endeavor to make it as enjoyable for you as possible." He then proceeded to kiss her as he had been wishing to do since the moment they had become engaged.

It was not much longer before they lost all track of conversation and wished only for the end of their journey so they could be properly alone, especially as certain things were quite uncomfortable to attempt in a moving carriage.

The End

 **End Notes:**

Once upon a time, I was doing some research on 18th century sex books for my New World Zorro stories as that Diego is quite the scholar and once said you could learn a lot from books (not that I've actually used that information in one of my Zorro stories and it may just stay in the background forever). Anyway, one interesting bit I found was that of a French book which said something along the lines that a man whose experience was all with professional women was more likely to traumatize than please his bride, which really does make sense in its way, so I couldn't help but put that out here in Mrs. Bennet's words, and as I always write a chaste Darcy as well as a chaste Diego, I couldn't help but have him agree (my Darcy tends to be a rather fastidious soul whose passionate side only comes out with Elizabeth and admittedly though I don't write it, I do think they ended up with a very passionate and mutually fulfilling relationship).

And while I kept things vague enough (no mention of Wickham, Lydia, Collins that kind of thing) that this could be our canon couple, I did mostly think of this being the Darcy and Elizabeth from _Luck Changes the Game_ as I've grown quite fond of them.

Anyway, let me know what you think, if you'd be so kind.


End file.
